pay it sideways

No, I’m not sure what that means. Except it has felt kind of like a sideways sort of day. That probably didn’t clarify…

Plus I’m re-reading “Pay It Forward” for maybe the 6th or 7th time… I’ve lost track. But I love it. Just like I love Mitch Albom’s “For One More Day”. Both will tear me up, drag me down and lift me high, all in the same heartbeat. And I LOVE that.

Anyhoo. Back to the sideways.

I was out and about this afternoon, and felt SO disconnected it was crazy. I sat listening to these teenagers talk about EVERYTHING with such EXCITEMENT. And I realised I don’t have any of that. Is it an age thing? I think not, because I saw middle-aged people talking excitedly, too. And I saw workers approaching the weekend with a thrill in their eyes for what they were soon about to do with all that time.

And there I was thinking, “I’m simply gonna fill mine.”

I think it’s because I had to let go of certain things to allow me to move away from the booze, and stay away. I think I had to make myself care less to want/desire less, and in that lessening I could move away from or ignore the call of Jack Guinness.

But it has its drawbacks, because now I seriously struggle to get excited about anything. Oh, I laugh and I cry and I love, but certainly not as I used to. I feel this in my writing, too. And MARVEL at those moments where I feel moved by my own words. While editing the rest of that novel I submitted to Richard & Judy I LOVED it when I cried at the sad and laughed at the funny. But it was gone in a moment, and didn’t really get inside me.

I don’t know. I don’t think I’m explaining this well.

I think it all stemmed from our loss yesterday, and how everything else today went on just like normal, and it would have gone on just like normal if it had been ME who had died. Appointments would have been kept, jobs would have been undertaken, food would have been eaten. Yet an important part of the life from just the day before would have been missing. And is. But things are as they were, except for where they’re not.

And that’s partly why this is here, and why I’m feeling a little sideways today.


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